Depression for dummies quiz time!!!

Straight from Wikipedia:
David D. Burns is an adjunct professor emeritus in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine and the author of the best-selling book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Burns popularized cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) when his book became a best seller during the 1980s.

Ok, so , for today we' ll do something really fun. 
We'll use his Depression Checklist to pick a label: Moody, depressed, suicidal etc! Fun times.
Just go to the site below and knock yourself out.

http://www.suicideforum.com/bdc/index.html

And I' d like to end this post with a famous quote of D.D.Burns concerning depression and cancer:
Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem.

Melissaki

Puppies grow up sooo fast. And labs are no exception. Melissa is getting stronger and more opinionated every day!

Heavy rain...

It has been raining for days. But this photo reminds me that the sun will return to warm us...

make a wish..

 ...Dear God, please cure me so I can write a book of how awesome and educating this roller coaster has been...... :(

Cancer Debates

Yesterday, I read an atricle on daily telegraph about Albert Espinosa ( check also http://www.albertespinosa.com/books/el-mundo-amarillo) and although the article itself was quite encouraging, some of the comments below were really bold and some of them messed my mind.

Debate 1:
Does attitude affect the prognosis?

A lot of research and fuzz on this question as some scientists say it does, some say it doesn't. However, there is no light at the end of the tunnel because cancer remains a multifactoral disease and I am beginning to notice that doctors are frequently deceived by the test results and give prognosis that turn to be far from the outcome.  

Generally, by talking to countless doctors for the past two years and repeating the same questions I can plainly put it this way:

Oncologists' attitude is most reserved but they tend to overstress the negative outcome, perhaps in an effort to lower the patients' expectations. If things go well, the patients kiss their hand. In case things go bad, they had already informed the patients, so they keep their hands clean.

Surgeons are more optimistic. The leaps of advance in the medical/surgical field give them a slightly more positive mind and a belief that they can control the cancer but cutting of the naughty bits of tumors from here and there.

Everyone else,including patients and relatives have as many opinions as their number.

Then, in my hospital at least, the volunteers and nurses of the oncology ward share the belief that miracles do happen and those that "give up" are usually the ones to go while for those that have decided to fight , cancer means at the worst case a bad quality of life.

Some researches suggest that there are three categories of patients that generally outlive the prognosis:

a.those in denial

b.the agressive and angry ones

c. the positive and optimistic ones

(if I have the time, I should track them down and post the links...)

Debate 2:
Use of the words "fighting", "beating"  etc. as in "fighting cancer", "beating cancer"....

Some comments of relatives (of patients that passed away) on the article about Espinosa were pretty bold and stated that this phraseology is damaging and ignorant. They said that the use of this words imply that everyone that decides to stay home and not "fight" to live is thus considered a quitter and possibly coward, while in fact, accepting death is an act of courage.

My thesis in this, as a cancer patient, is a bit unrelated but I believe it to be a keen observation. I realised that relatives and loved ones are having a more difficult time to accept the situation and they tend to mature in a "slower" pace than the patients themselves. 

I have not encountered yet a fellow patient that was concerned about this phraseology. They simply don't bother and usually put such debates in the potato-potahto section. 

In the end, if we have to resort to philosophy, life means fighting. From the moment we are born and we fight to expand our lungs and breath through crying to the moment we close our eyes, surrendering to death in any form, we do fight. 

In the case of cancer, whether it is a 28 year old like me that fights to live a life yet unlived or it is a 86 year old lady that is filled with memories of gains and losses and fights to maintain her decency in her final days, it is still fighting. Both have to converse with death and learn to live with the prospect of it. But on the other hand, who doesn't? Our mortality is as certain as the rising sun. 

Finally, concerning "beating" cancer:

 who cares if the attitude served the outcome or if the chances where just good. You get a second opportunity to live and that's what matters. I say ,only God knows and decides how and when our life shall end so we should fold our sleeves and get down to do some serious living before our time comes. Right?

news news news

1. Had the new CTs and all is well for now.
2. Had a terrible meeting with the oncologist that ended in a pool of tears and anger.
3. Had the avastin without the other chemo drugs. It is much better.
4. Had a nice party for the end of this year's chemo circle.

Colon Cancer indeed sucks ass...

I am surfing the colon cancer survivors' blogs and I realised I am one of the most young ones. I was diagnosed at 26-27 with a cancer that had already spread to the lymph nodes and next year I had re-occurrence of the cancer that had spread to the uterus and my doctor believes has spread to the liver as well. Two surgeries, two never-ending cycles of chemo and I am still battling on the first front. A doctor told me that I have 15-20% chances to survive. And I still laugh and dream. Will I die? Definitely. But when and how, no doctor will tell me. I refuse to yield to depression, to fear and desperation. This is my war and in the war zone there is no space for self pity and fear. I do what I have to do and the rest is for God to choose. As long as I have my family and my love holding my hand, I will fight.

A Song of Ice and Fire

A Song of Ice and Fire by George R. R. Martin

The fantasy world of Martin is far more interesting than Tolkien' s , at least for me. What can I say? I am guilty of loving these books as much as the TV series. It is this year's guilty pleasure....

Ambitions, love, lust, warfare and a lot, a lot of blood in these pages that will keep your interest up to the last page. Even if you have seen the TV series, the books serve as juicy extras and peeks into the characters.

Buy it and bury yourself in a comfortable sofa with a cup of coffee to devour it!

“So many books, so little time.” ― Frank Zappa

Books are a  passion for me. I cannot claim to be a scholar, but still, isn't it more important to read just for pleasure?

And that is exactly why in this list you will find all sorts of books- best sellers along with classics.
My fiance' always makes fun of me for what he calls craziness/moodiness. "How can you watch Casablanca and the next day Spiderman?", "How can you read Herman Hesse and the next day Game of Thrones?", "How can you listen to black metal and then switch to Bach?" Well, I guess, either I am kind of crazy, or I just like to take bites of all the fruits offered. Why bother with labels? Humans have limitless potential and countless sides of character. Why limit ourselves? Yam, I'll grab a bite now.

Βιος και Λογοι του Γεροντος Πορφυριου Καυσοκαλλυβιτου / The life and words of Father Porphyrios

Although this book is in Greek, I have to put it first because it is my rock. This book is always by my side and soothes my fear, my anxiety, my pain. Written by one of the three Saints of our era, Father Porphyrios, is a collection of his words, his legacy. When our Saint Porphyrios left this world, he had his thought on all those who are in pain, all those that would seek for his counsel and he allowed some of his children in spirit to put his words in paper. And thus, the Grace that God bestowed upon him, reaches us and  helps us in our time of need.

Meaw

And may I present Alexander Fiodorovits Grey aka Sasha. (I felt bad talking only of Melissa...)

Look, his face is saying it all :"Just give me the food and beat it. That will be all, servant..."

Shopping disaster :(

Today I had a shopping orgy on dog's accessories.
Yep... I bought:

• A Furminator brush for my lab's coat
• A shampoo to boost the shine of the coat
• A rubber brush for massage and healthy coat
• Pig ears for chewing
• Bones for chewing
• "shoes" for chewing
• Cesar Millan's book (the one on the left)
• A pink adjustable leash (e-stages,XL size)
• Matching pink collar
• Tag with her name and cellphone (mine, not hers)
• A 3m long lead of plastic and wire for tying her in the yard occasionally
• 13kg of Royal Canine food for junior labs (ouch, the price hurt)
• Treats in different flavours (beef,chicken,game,pineapple(!),vegetables etc) and sizes.
• A travel bowl for food/water
• A bag of biscuits
• A ball-toy

and last but not least cat food. Poor Sasha (the cat), he is not costing a bit compared to Melissa(the puppy).

OMG, it was a disaster of epic proportions. I spent about 250Euros while my salary for August was only about 300Euros. I think I have a real problem, I am officially a shopaholic.

At least I will not end up being the crazy cat lady in the neighbourhood since I spend on the dog rather than cats and also it is impossible to get more pets. 

About Cesar now. I am a big big fan. I have all seasons of the Dog Whisperer show and four of his books. The man is a genius. He is making training and living with the dog so easy and simple. The key is to be as close to mother nature as possible. Mimic the pups mother and be a leader so that the pup feels safe and grows with a right role model. Yes, I said role model. Have you seen how often dogs are resembling the owners? If the role model is an easy going, cheerful, kind and friendly type with proper behaviour, the doggy will grow as a friendly,easy going animal with proper behaviour around other animals and people, as well as around the house. 

Following Cesar's clues, my 7month lab is a clever,socially educated, happy puppy. I am "exposing" her in all  kinds of environments. We go to the centre of the city, the mountain, the beach, the vet's practise, to the river for swimming, in coffee places, in friends' houses and for play dates. She has many doggy and human friends and she has learned to sleep either in her crate or on my sister's/mine bed's feet. She is my little one, replacing the baby I can never have. Look, she has grown up:

Melissa with her chewing treat

Shit in a shithole

Damn it, I stumbled on a cancer blog and read about the aggressiveness of some stupid tumours. Thanks a lot dear blogger, I will barely sleep tonight again. Yes, I know, I am on the roller-coaster of "Final Destination" and I will definitely die. Fuck you and your cheerful statistics. Shit ,shit and for dessert more shit  :(  

The Tree of Life & The Fountain

Yggdrasill

One of my favourite Norse myths is about Yggdrasill. It is the myth of the life Tree and reflects all the beauty of Norse sagas, being also a wonderful symbol of the transience of life. 

The sperm of the end of the word in Nordic mythology lays right in its creation through the existence of the cosmic tree, Yggdrasill. It is an evergreen ash tree of prodigious dimensions, on which the universe is supported and symbolizes the battle between light and dark, the balance and change between constant decay and renewal, and through it universal notions such as life, time and destiny are expressed. 

Yggdrasill has three roots that stretch to three planes of worlds. On the first layer are the worlds Asgard (home of the Aesir gods), Vanaheim (home of the Vanir-lesser gods) and Alfheim (home of the elves). On the second layer is Midgard (home of the humans), Jotunheim(home of the frost giants), Nidavellir (home of the dwarves) and Svartalfheim (home of the dark elves). On the third and lower layer is Hel and Nifelheim, the death worlds. All worlds are dependent on the existence of the life tree, even the death worlds, gods, giants and humans altogether.Beneath it also stands the fountain of wisdom, where Odin sacrificed one of his eyes to drink from and gain his wisdom.

But even Yggdrasill might die. Four stags are eating its leaves and the huge serpent Nidhogg is gnawing its roots incessantly. In result, when Ragnarök approaches, the final battle of the gods, the tree will shiver and maybe even fall, bringing the end of all worlds. 

This notion of Yggdrasill -not as in nordic mythology but as it appears in other theological systems- seems to be behind the story of the cosmic tree in the amazing film "The Fountain" by Darren Aronofsky. 

The Fountain" by Darren Aronofsky.

In this film there are three parallel story lines. In the first-the past, the protagonist is venturing to find the cosmic tree of life in the jungles of the New World for the favour of his queen. In the second- the present, he is struggling to isolate the ingredients of the Tree of Life to save his dying love. And in the last one-the future, he is travelling in space with a tree ,seeking the supernova that will transcend the death of his beloved into life once again. 

In the end, this film is a poem about love, life and death. About the desperation of losing the love of our life and being unable to accept the loss, unable to find rest, peace and finally, closure. 

I believe that this is one of the very few films that capture the agony of copying with mortality and the stages of grief after a loved one's passing. Life is so fragile, so temporary that a Godless life might resemble a hell, at least for me. There must be some reason, a meaning, a purpose, something....

PROMETHEUS- a review

Just finished watching "Prometheus" and I am quite excited...

_SPOILER ALERT_

I am a dedicated fan of the Alien mythology. Although I do not usually enjoy sci-fi movies, Alien has a certain attraction, a "je ne sais quoi". Perhaps it owes it to the strong performance of Sigourney Weaver as Ellen Ripley or the aesthetics of the artist Giger that has been in charge of the visual effects (and won an academy award for it).  Or maybe it appeals to a catastrophological side of me. Or I just enjoy a good pop corn movie... 

That being said, I consider Prometheus more than a decent prequel to the Alien mythology, although I believe that fans would like some more elaboration on the Engineers story line and perhaps a bit less predictability. To be honest, the scene of the crash of the spaceships looked to me flat and awkward on behalf of the characters.  

I am not sure whether the producers intended for so many similarities between the movies but definitely there were moments that Alien scenes popped in my mind although I had no clue of the relevance of the movies. Other than the likeness of death occurrences,( like eel-like creatures crawling inside the hosts and laying eggs that hatched and their acid blood exploding on a face), I couldn't help but notice that the leading role was once more entrusted on a woman, this time Noomi Rapace. And she might not have exhibited the same hardiness of Ripley's character in the last Alien films but reminded the femininity and youth of Sigourney in the first movie along with some fragility.

Additionaly, I could only be content by the presence of Michael Fassbender that is really noticeable in the role of the android David (the android key role is another similarity with Alien).  Charlize Theron however, might have contributed more in the film if she had more space to unfold her character as Meredith Vickers. The same goes for Guy Pierce in the role of Peter Wayland.

Well, I am not a critic to be able to analyse in more extend, but personally I enjoyed the film and I can't wait for the sequel which is said to be in production. Weeee! Gimme more Aliens!!! :P

PS. That Engineers looked a bit like Predators, didn't they? 

Moody blues

Tomorrow I am due to chemo once again. This is number 11. One more and we are done. For now.

Today, I am wondering why I keep this blog. Why have I even started it? Just to keep the fantasy of connecting with people through it? Not even my sisters know about it, not even my fiance'. I have told no one but I am sure that at some point they will find out. Nothing stays hidden under the sun.

I am moody today. As the end of the chemo approaches and the new exams and CTs get closer, I start to freak out again. But no, this time I will give it no room to grow on me. I am broken enough as it is.
I am so sad. I wish I could just lean on my love, just lay close to him and breath. But he is so far away.
And everyone gets so upset when I am sad.

Last week, I checked funeral details. I consider signing a form of  non resuscitation. And other morbid stuff, as my fiancé would say....
If my mother finds out, she will have a seizure. I wish I could just explain that sometimes I need to be in peace with my death, whether it occurs in three decades or at this very moment. Being at peace with your destiny doesn't mean you stop fighting. But I can not pretend I am not scared or concerned.
Oh, fuck it, I am so confused. :(   Humans are not supposed to live like this. 

What cancer can't do...

my sisters...

My sisters in happiness, my sisters in pain, my sisters through seasons...

One is from my blood.She the seeds of the bread that I eat, the essential flavour to make it worth to eat.
One is from the earth. So small girl, with feet that stand strong on the ground. She is the nourishing hard bread, that keeps you strong.
One is from the air. She is the breeze that whispers in my ears the truth,the world, shares the pain and my spirit. She is the freshness of the bread and the transparent idea of it.
One is from the water. So fair and innocent. She makes eating a feast, a picnic in the woods. She brings also God's creatures close, like Snow White,yes.

Indeed, love exists, goodness exists, innocence exists.
After so many disappointments, so many people unworthy, so many that left me and so many that I left behind, yes, I can say in all truth and certainty, love exists.

a prayer to God

One of my dearest mentors got news of metastasis in the bones. It felt so sad... I didn't know what to say to him. Just hoped he could feel how much he means to me and how much I pray for him. So, there are no words, no more words between us. Only hope, faith and love.
God help us, God protect us... My thoughts are with my beloved priest.

Deep deep blue...

Back from holidays with my fiancé and I feel all charged up, ready to fight once again...
After 2 years time, I went swimming once again. After one year and a half of fucking neuropathy that made my feet ache like being pinched by a million needles and half a year of this damned ileostomy, I was able to swim!!!

Skopelos Island, Greece

Oh, God, the beautiful sea of our islands, the crystal waters, the sensation of freedom, the sight of the turquoise ocean...
Swimming is holding a great importance for me. Like in Blue (Three Colors), I need to lose myself in the blue to be able to be born again, to relieve my anxiety, fear, pain. When I dive underwater, I can cry, I can scream , I can relax, I can forget, I can recharge. Yes, I feel that everything might be just fine in the end...

Sleeping...

I have spend Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and half of Friday sleeping, after chemo...
It is so exhausting...
Now I slowly drag my broken body out of the tunnel of sleep and into life again.
It is so scary, going into a sleep so deep that resembles coma. And not knowing whether it is dreams or nightmares awaiting you...
I am tired, I wast it to be over so bad. But as all of us in the 20% league of recurrence know, this is a fight that will last long. Longer than we anticipated...
So, I will pretend to my family that I can handle this -like a boss- and keep on taking it out here, where significant and insignificant stories drown in the vastness of the web...

Endymion by John Keats

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever;

Its loveliness increases; it will never

Pass into nothingness; but still will keep

A bower quiet for us, and a sleep

Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.

Therefore, on every morrow, are we wreathing

A flowery band to bind us to the earth,

Spite of despondence, of the inhuman dearth

Of noble natures, of the gloomy days,

Of all the unhealthy and o'er-darkened ways::

Made for our searching: yes, in spite of all,

Some shape of beauty moves away the pall

From our dark spirits. Such the sun, the moon,

Trees old and young, sprouting a shady boon

For simple sheep; and such are daffodils

With the green world they live in; and clear rills

That for themselves a cooling covert make

'Gainst the hot season; the mid forest brake,

Rich with a sprinkling of fair musk-rose blooms:

And such too is the grandeur of the dooms

We have imagined for the mighty dead;

All lovely tales that we have heard or read:

An endless fountain of immortal drink,

Pouring unto us from the heaven's brink.

The bargain...

‘Cause they took your loved ones
But returned them in exchange for you
But would you have it any other way?
Would you have it any other way?
You couldn't have it any other way

‘Cause she’s a cruel mistress
And a bargain must be made
But oh, my love, don’t forget me
I let the water take me

Bible: 1 Corinthians 13. On love...

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 
2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 
9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror;then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


Never again such beautiful words have been written on love. In Greek, these verses spoken, are sweet to the tongue, flow like honey. They melt in our soul and calm the heart, warming the cold, vanishing loneliness, inspiring the mind. 

Krzysztof Kieslowski, in his movie "Three Colors: Blue (1993)" ,

used the prototype Greek translation of these Bible verses in the "symphony for the unification of Europe". The Greek translation is the following:


Εάν ταις γλώσσαις των ανθρώπων λαλώ και των αγγέλων, 
αγάπην δε μη έχω, γέγονα χαλκός ηχών ή κύμβαλον 
αλαλάζον.
και εάν έχω προφητείαν και ειδώ τα μυστήρια 
πάντα και πάσαν την γνώσιν, και εάν έχω πάσαν την πίστιν, 
ώστε όρη μεθιστάνειν, αγάπην δε μη έχω, ουδέν ειμι.
και εάν ψωμίσω πάντα τα υπάρχοντά μου, και εάν παραδώ το σώμα 
μου ίνα καυθήσομαι, αγάπην δε μη έχω, ουδέν ωφελούμαι.

 Η αγάπη μακροθυμεί, χρηστεύεται, η αγάπη ου ζηλοί, η αγάπη 
ου περπερεύεται, ου φυσιούται, ουκ ασχημονεί, ου ζητεί τα 
εαυτής, ου παροξύνεται, ου λογίζεται το κακόν, ου χαίρει επί 
τη αδικία, συγχαίρει δε τη αληθεία. πάντα στέγει, πάντα 
πιστεύει, πάντα ελπίζει, πάντα υπομένει. η αγάπη ουδέποτε 
εκπίπτει. είτε δε προφητείαι, καταργηθήσονται. 

είτε γλώσσαι παύσονται. είτε γνώσις καταργηθήσεται. εκ μέρους δε 
γινώσκομεν και εκ μέρους προφητεύομεν. όταν δε έλθη το 
τέλειον, τότε το εκ μέρους καταργηθήσεται. ότε ήμην νήπιος, 
ως νήπιος ελάλουν, ως νήπιος εφρόνουν, ως νήπιος 
ελογιζόμην. ότε δε γέγονα ανήρ, κατήργηκα τα του νηπίου. 
βλέπομεν γαρ άρτι δι΄εσόπτρου εν αινίγματι, τότε δε 
πρόσωπον προς πρόσωπον. άρτι γινώσκω εκ μέρους, τότε δε 
επιγνώσομαι καθώς και επεγνώσθην.
νυνί δε μένει πίστις, 
ελπίς, αγάπη, τα τρία ταύτα. μείζων δε τούτων η αγάπη.

Zbigniew Preisner, the composer of the original music, created indeed, a haunting soundtrack, that compliments this exceptional film.  "Three Colors: Blue" is concentrated on a woman's mourning and her grief process. Words cannot express the depth and intensity of this film, as the makers explore the complexity of Julie's emotions towards her only daughter's loss and her later husbands infidelity. Key element in Blue, is a blue sphere, the only remaining link between Julie and her child and a symphony, her husband's work that is left unfinished with his death. I will say no more, because in the end, Blue is a "heavy" film that has to be seen with the heart, to be experienced and only once you immense yourself in Julie's world you can acknowledge the directors perspective.  Below is the fore mentioned "song for the unification of Europe", a title that probably does no right to this beautiful piece.

  

bloging with cancer

I have been reading many blogs on cancer and I noticed that usually the authors talk about their chemo/surgery/side effects experiences. I find it amazing...
The thing is that -being through chemo- I am unable to talk about it. Just thinking about it makes my skin shiver, it brings a foul taste in my mouth and my hands begin to sweat. Even when my friends ask "how was it this time?", I prefer to change the subject.
So, what about those amazing people who have not only the strength to bear it but also to talk,share and even joke about it!

There is a blog about a small girl, Lydia, that has been fighting cancer for years. Her father is sharing his fears ,hope and ultimately their triumph with the readers and his posts bring tears to our eyes. I cannot begin to imagine how his and his wife's life was all these years. But his hope and his dignity are shining as a beacon to all of us, giving us an example of a person. The blog is http://lydia-tigria.blogspot.gr/ but unfortunately is written in Greek...

I found also blogs of patients that passed away, and I stay silent for a minute, to pay respect for their life and their final battle. I wish I had the chance to meet Christine, to share a smile, at a time that words are useless. I wish I had known this world and these people earlier, for I found the meaning of life in them. I should be so grateful that I have the chance to live a life full of meaning, full of self-conscience and full of happiness. Of course I wish this sickness to go and I suffer as all of us but in the end, no use crying over it, life is life and we must live it through dark times as through happy times.
After all, I promised to my love, Andrei that I will stay here for a long time...

...there is always hope...

On religion and Love

I am living for more than a year in the world of cancer. I met so many people, I heard so many stories, I saw so many tears of pain/of happiness/of gratitude. One thing is for sure: After a point, your only hope of survival is either God, or at least your inner hardness.
For me, it's God. I have been in agnosticism for most of my life, but some time before I got diagnosed and from then on, I saw a certain pattern in things. I have always been searching for clues, in earth, in people, in the air around. The traces of something more than mortality. And once I have seen enough, being forced to look death in the face, it all started making sense. Going through a serious illness might either terminate you or open your eyes wide...

And I have seen. The vast universe, the change of seasons, the magnificence of birth, the complexity of  organisms, the depth of human soul, the capacity of individuals to destroy or create, the miracles while hope is long gone. I learned about lost gods, about mother Earth, about hedonism, about morality and immorality.
Our world, this world full of diversity and colour is only a grain of sand in the universe and our life is less than milliseconds in an endlessness of time.
It is difficult to imagine any importance in our existence, isn't it? And yet, there is when God comes and puts everything into place. In my orthodox Christian dogma, apart from the cold ,often misjudged exterior, there is a deep mystical current. If you are lucky, persistent and find the true people of God and read with your heart the scriptures, all is unveiled. I don't mean to convert or make any propaganda here. After all, I believe that there is only one universal truth that can be reached through most religions, or can be experienced through remote and mere observation of the world. Ancient Greek philosophers had in my opinion accumulated deep knowledge on this. All I am saying is that God is there, but he needs us to open the door, invite him in with an open heart and shall not leave us alone, ever. Down in the darkest pit, in the deepest despair, God is offering his hand, relieving our pain, giving us a reason to go on.
I believe in freedom, in acceptance and I respect all beliefs. Because the God I believe in, is not only embracing everyone with love but is also the God of those who hurt, the homeless, the despaired, the repenting, the lonely, the scared, the weak, the faulty, everyone that will call him.

And last but not least: until the time that no love can be given and no love can be received, this life will be worth living...

2nd of the 2nd of the 2nd!

Yesterday was the second chemotherapy, of the second circle of chemotherapies, of the second time I got cancer. Hihi. Fun times...
However, my scary scary doctor that enjoys telling me always the <<truth>>  ,(quoting: "well, if you have five more metastasis next time, evidently this chemo isn't working and (subtext) you're screwed...") said that the last CT's are good. Which means they are veery good. Weeee! Good for him also because I experience a terror inflicted nausea in his office and recently I was ready to puke on his doorstep. He just dodged a bullet there.
I don't know why he always has this deadly seriousness and he prefers to highlight the difficulties, the bad chances, the worst case scenarios. Yes dear, by now I have realised exactly where I stand. But, please , do not drain my hope, do not scare me more. Give me a reason to keep up, inspire me, help me, sympathise with my pain, be my real doctor. In my case, statistics are not good, so I need all my strength and courage. I need to fight and if you, my doctor, do not believe in me, you hurt my morale, you make me stumble, you demotivate me.
Just don't take my hope away...

Haruki Murakami

Haruki Murakami, is considered one of the most prestigious contemporary writers and his works are considered to reflect the spirit of Mono no aware. 

Norwegian Wood is one of his most-sold novels and I admit, it made a huge impression to me when I read it. It is difficult to capture the feelings it conjures but one thing is for certain: it cannot pass unnoticed! Rumour has it that it was banned from summer reading in some New Jersey schools because of parents' complaints - they found that it contained explicit scenes and deemed it inappropriate for teenagers. 

Well, personally I condemn any form of censorship and find it plainly stupid to accuse literature for corruption since the birth of TV and Internet,so I keep being a fan and...

...here is a list of his novels and I intend to read as many as possible, so can have a more spherical opinion of his work...

• Hear the Wind Sing (1971)

• Pinball, 1973 (1980)

• Wild Sheep Chase, a (1982)

• Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World (1985)

• Norwegian Wood (1987)

• Dance Dance Dance (1988)

• South of the Border, West of the Sun (1992)

• Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, the (1994)

• Sputnik Sweetheart, the (1999)

• Kafka on the Shore (2002)

• After Dark (2004)

Puppylicious

Keira. 

Chopin, Silvi and their puppies. 

Melissa, my ginger labrador

Irvin Yalom, the famous psychiatrist,  does suggest that human bond is one of the limited things that can relieve us from the anxiety of death and the only real source of fulfilment in our mortal life. During his work with several patients with terminal cancer or even adults with severe death anxiety, he used the human bond in order to put under control the overwhelming stress on the prospect of death.


What he has not explored however, is the second most important bond. The bond between animals and humans. Dogs and horses and rarely cats are offering a lot to cancer patients, giving them the sense of unconditional love and caring. They also drive thinking away from ominous, unsettling thoughts. 
Of course, none of these are news but one cannot overstress enough their importance in the quality of life of patients. Patients tend to feel lonely and lost in their often nightmarish life events, but loved ones and spending time with animals soothes these feelings and gives meaning to life.

After my second surgery, during chemo, I got Melissa, a ginger labrador, that changed my life. She is constantly causing chaos because of her puppy energy but spending one day without her makes me lose my smile. Sometimes we can her Meli, from the greek word for honey because she is the sweetest one, sometimes we call her Melissaki, from the greek word for little bee, because she keeps buzzing for hours over our heads. In any case, she gets tons of love, my spoilt little one.

Something broken.

While I was waiting for the results of my CT scans, to see what happened with the metastasis in the liver, something changed in me. All this fear of hearing potential bad news rose to a point of no comparison. I feel like there was a string in my heart that got stretched way too far. And then, it broke.
From that moment, I cannot connect with my feelings as I did. I am constantly searching for distractions, whatever might keep my attention so I won't think about my condition.
Maybe a part of my soul switched off, trying to protect me from falling into pieces, from having a nervous breakdown. 
Even though the news were encouraging, I will never be the same. I cannot talk any more of my pain and my fear because simply, the horror is too much to put into words. Only those that faced the same situation can understand. These are things that normally, no one touches in conversation, taboos. And yet, now I have to deal with it every day.
Don't get me wrong, I am not as desperate or as gloomy as I sound. But this blog' s purpose is to merely mirror deep feelings that I can't usually entrust to my loved ones. How can I say to my sister that looks on me for a role model that I am battling with desperation, fear, loss of faith, loss of incentive to keep fighting. How can I tell her that sometimes, I just get so tired of fighting that I am afraid I will just give up and get lost in depression?
No, I have to keep a face, be strong, be brave, be true, be more than this mortal flesh, be someone that leaves the world a better place, someone that filled a lifetime with love and caresses.
I wish to be a person radiating warmth, safety, faith, inner beauty. My body might be cut and sewed back, my external beauty gone, but I can still offer so much to my loved ones.
This is my war, and I intend to fight with teeth and nails.

Notes on a cemetery..

I always found the sight of cemeteries appealing.
One might rush into a conclusion that I am morbid, but truth is far from that.
Cemeteries can be fascinating. They represent the culture and the beliefs of a religion and of individuals and blah blah blah..
I could say so much about their significance culturally but in the end what draws me into these places is always the calmness. There is a sensation of peace and loneliness that leads to deeper thoughts. Thoughts of our transient nature, of impermanence, of life and death, of wishes, of time.
Monks and philosophers used to keep rooms with view of cemeteries or they kept in their room objects reminding of death.
"Memento mori" they called it. Quoting Wikipedia: "[it is] a Latin phrase translated as "Remember your mortality", "Remember you must die" or "Remember you will die".It refers to a genre of artworks that vary widely but which all share the same purpose: to remind people of their mortality.."
And remembering our mortality is -opposed to what most people believe- the start of the most fulfilled and rich life. For knowing how to die is knowing how to live.
Being aware of how short and unpredictable life is, lets us appreciate the moments. Prompts us not to keep malice between each other, because what today angers us in aspect of death it means nothing, while love and kindness means everything.
Would you keep being angry at your partner if you knew you would never see him the next day? No.
Would you cry and be depressed over what a client shouted at you at work if you knew you had only a month left to live? No
My favorite psychiatrist-author ,Irvin Yalom, says :"Although the physicality of death destroys man, the idea of death saves him".
In the end, conscience is what separates us from animals, and knowledge is our burden and our privilege as a species, as God's image creatures and as individuals.

The sound of sea

So, I came home, to my fiance' and I started research on my health choices.
Crap. I called the Mc Millan support and they asked me whether I would like to participate in clinical trials.
And then I felt like my heart skipped a beat.
So, this is it, the stage that the doctors start to say: "Sorry, we have no more to offer you, do you want to try something alternative?"
I want to keep hoping but at the same time I just want to let go, lie in my love's arms in an isolated beach and die with the sound of waves in the back of my head.
I am so tired. 

Searching for my wedding cake...

My fiance' wants to get married as soon as I get well.
But what is getting well for me? Doctors say I have about 20% chances to make it past 5 years.
So what does "getting well" mean for me?
People usually think themselves in a projection of years to come. Thinking and planning for this year, the next, taking loans and building for the future. What is my future?
Next month, in two weeks, I will have CT scans again, to see what happened to the metastasis in the liver. This is as far as I can see my future. Two weeks ahead...
It sounds so depressing...
So I am planning my wedding instead. And dream and hope and love and pray to our God of Love to let me stay.  

The Immortality Promise

I am not a writter.
I need no followers.
But I need to speak.
Talk about cancer.
About dying,living and my life now.
Why on a blog? That I do not understand. Maybe because Facebook is not the proper place for chemo jokes or to share past-midnight thoughts.
It doesn't matter. I'll just see it as a psychotherapy of some kind...
Perhaps I grab on this immortality promise. A promise that despite my demise a fingerprint of me will be out there somewhere...
And so I start...