I am living for more than a year in the world of cancer. I met so many people, I heard so many stories, I saw so many tears of pain/of happiness/of gratitude. One thing is for sure: After a point, your only hope of survival is either God, or at least your inner hardness.
For me, it's God. I have been in agnosticism for most of my life, but some time before I got diagnosed and from then on, I saw a certain pattern in things. I have always been searching for clues, in earth, in people, in the air around. The traces of something more than mortality. And once I have seen enough, being forced to look death in the face, it all started making sense. Going through a serious illness might either terminate you or open your eyes wide...
And I have seen. The vast universe, the change of seasons, the magnificence of birth, the complexity of organisms, the depth of human soul, the capacity of individuals to destroy or create, the miracles while hope is long gone. I learned about lost gods, about mother Earth, about hedonism, about morality and immorality.
Our world, this world full of diversity and colour is only a grain of sand in the universe and our life is less than milliseconds in an endlessness of time.
It is difficult to imagine any importance in our existence, isn't it? And yet, there is when God comes and puts everything into place. In my orthodox Christian dogma, apart from the cold ,often misjudged exterior, there is a deep mystical current. If you are lucky, persistent and find the true people of God and read with your heart the scriptures, all is unveiled. I don't mean to convert or make any propaganda here. After all, I believe that there is only one universal truth that can be reached through most religions, or can be experienced through remote and mere observation of the world. Ancient Greek philosophers had in my opinion accumulated deep knowledge on this. All I am saying is that God is there, but he needs us to open the door, invite him in with an open heart and shall not leave us alone, ever. Down in the darkest pit, in the deepest despair, God is offering his hand, relieving our pain, giving us a reason to go on.
I believe in freedom, in acceptance and I respect all beliefs. Because the God I believe in, is not only embracing everyone with love but is also the God of those who hurt, the homeless, the despaired, the repenting, the lonely, the scared, the weak, the faulty, everyone that will call him.
And last but not least: until the time that no love can be given and no love can be received, this life will be worth living...
