Cancer Debates

Yesterday, I read an atricle on daily telegraph about Albert Espinosa ( check also http://www.albertespinosa.com/books/el-mundo-amarillo) and although the article itself was quite encouraging, some of the comments below were really bold and some of them messed my mind.

Debate 1:
Does attitude affect the prognosis?

A lot of research and fuzz on this question as some scientists say it does, some say it doesn't. However, there is no light at the end of the tunnel because cancer remains a multifactoral disease and I am beginning to notice that doctors are frequently deceived by the test results and give prognosis that turn to be far from the outcome.  

Generally, by talking to countless doctors for the past two years and repeating the same questions I can plainly put it this way:

Oncologists' attitude is most reserved but they tend to overstress the negative outcome, perhaps in an effort to lower the patients' expectations. If things go well, the patients kiss their hand. In case things go bad, they had already informed the patients, so they keep their hands clean.

Surgeons are more optimistic. The leaps of advance in the medical/surgical field give them a slightly more positive mind and a belief that they can control the cancer but cutting of the naughty bits of tumors from here and there.

Everyone else,including patients and relatives have as many opinions as their number.

Then, in my hospital at least, the volunteers and nurses of the oncology ward share the belief that miracles do happen and those that "give up" are usually the ones to go while for those that have decided to fight , cancer means at the worst case a bad quality of life.

Some researches suggest that there are three categories of patients that generally outlive the prognosis:

a.those in denial

b.the agressive and angry ones

c. the positive and optimistic ones

(if I have the time, I should track them down and post the links...)

Debate 2:
Use of the words "fighting", "beating"  etc. as in "fighting cancer", "beating cancer"....

Some comments of relatives (of patients that passed away) on the article about Espinosa were pretty bold and stated that this phraseology is damaging and ignorant. They said that the use of this words imply that everyone that decides to stay home and not "fight" to live is thus considered a quitter and possibly coward, while in fact, accepting death is an act of courage.

My thesis in this, as a cancer patient, is a bit unrelated but I believe it to be a keen observation. I realised that relatives and loved ones are having a more difficult time to accept the situation and they tend to mature in a "slower" pace than the patients themselves. 

I have not encountered yet a fellow patient that was concerned about this phraseology. They simply don't bother and usually put such debates in the potato-potahto section. 

In the end, if we have to resort to philosophy, life means fighting. From the moment we are born and we fight to expand our lungs and breath through crying to the moment we close our eyes, surrendering to death in any form, we do fight. 

In the case of cancer, whether it is a 28 year old like me that fights to live a life yet unlived or it is a 86 year old lady that is filled with memories of gains and losses and fights to maintain her decency in her final days, it is still fighting. Both have to converse with death and learn to live with the prospect of it. But on the other hand, who doesn't? Our mortality is as certain as the rising sun. 

Finally, concerning "beating" cancer:

 who cares if the attitude served the outcome or if the chances where just good. You get a second opportunity to live and that's what matters. I say ,only God knows and decides how and when our life shall end so we should fold our sleeves and get down to do some serious living before our time comes. Right?

Bible: 1 Corinthians 13. On love...

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 
2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 
9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror;then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


Never again such beautiful words have been written on love. In Greek, these verses spoken, are sweet to the tongue, flow like honey. They melt in our soul and calm the heart, warming the cold, vanishing loneliness, inspiring the mind. 

Krzysztof Kieslowski, in his movie "Three Colors: Blue (1993)" ,

used the prototype Greek translation of these Bible verses in the "symphony for the unification of Europe". The Greek translation is the following:


Εάν ταις γλώσσαις των ανθρώπων λαλώ και των αγγέλων, 
αγάπην δε μη έχω, γέγονα χαλκός ηχών ή κύμβαλον 
αλαλάζον.
και εάν έχω προφητείαν και ειδώ τα μυστήρια 
πάντα και πάσαν την γνώσιν, και εάν έχω πάσαν την πίστιν, 
ώστε όρη μεθιστάνειν, αγάπην δε μη έχω, ουδέν ειμι.
και εάν ψωμίσω πάντα τα υπάρχοντά μου, και εάν παραδώ το σώμα 
μου ίνα καυθήσομαι, αγάπην δε μη έχω, ουδέν ωφελούμαι.

 Η αγάπη μακροθυμεί, χρηστεύεται, η αγάπη ου ζηλοί, η αγάπη 
ου περπερεύεται, ου φυσιούται, ουκ ασχημονεί, ου ζητεί τα 
εαυτής, ου παροξύνεται, ου λογίζεται το κακόν, ου χαίρει επί 
τη αδικία, συγχαίρει δε τη αληθεία. πάντα στέγει, πάντα 
πιστεύει, πάντα ελπίζει, πάντα υπομένει. η αγάπη ουδέποτε 
εκπίπτει. είτε δε προφητείαι, καταργηθήσονται. 

είτε γλώσσαι παύσονται. είτε γνώσις καταργηθήσεται. εκ μέρους δε 
γινώσκομεν και εκ μέρους προφητεύομεν. όταν δε έλθη το 
τέλειον, τότε το εκ μέρους καταργηθήσεται. ότε ήμην νήπιος, 
ως νήπιος ελάλουν, ως νήπιος εφρόνουν, ως νήπιος 
ελογιζόμην. ότε δε γέγονα ανήρ, κατήργηκα τα του νηπίου. 
βλέπομεν γαρ άρτι δι΄εσόπτρου εν αινίγματι, τότε δε 
πρόσωπον προς πρόσωπον. άρτι γινώσκω εκ μέρους, τότε δε 
επιγνώσομαι καθώς και επεγνώσθην.
νυνί δε μένει πίστις, 
ελπίς, αγάπη, τα τρία ταύτα. μείζων δε τούτων η αγάπη.

Zbigniew Preisner, the composer of the original music, created indeed, a haunting soundtrack, that compliments this exceptional film.  "Three Colors: Blue" is concentrated on a woman's mourning and her grief process. Words cannot express the depth and intensity of this film, as the makers explore the complexity of Julie's emotions towards her only daughter's loss and her later husbands infidelity. Key element in Blue, is a blue sphere, the only remaining link between Julie and her child and a symphony, her husband's work that is left unfinished with his death. I will say no more, because in the end, Blue is a "heavy" film that has to be seen with the heart, to be experienced and only once you immense yourself in Julie's world you can acknowledge the directors perspective.  Below is the fore mentioned "song for the unification of Europe", a title that probably does no right to this beautiful piece.

  

Something broken.

While I was waiting for the results of my CT scans, to see what happened with the metastasis in the liver, something changed in me. All this fear of hearing potential bad news rose to a point of no comparison. I feel like there was a string in my heart that got stretched way too far. And then, it broke.
From that moment, I cannot connect with my feelings as I did. I am constantly searching for distractions, whatever might keep my attention so I won't think about my condition.
Maybe a part of my soul switched off, trying to protect me from falling into pieces, from having a nervous breakdown. 
Even though the news were encouraging, I will never be the same. I cannot talk any more of my pain and my fear because simply, the horror is too much to put into words. Only those that faced the same situation can understand. These are things that normally, no one touches in conversation, taboos. And yet, now I have to deal with it every day.
Don't get me wrong, I am not as desperate or as gloomy as I sound. But this blog' s purpose is to merely mirror deep feelings that I can't usually entrust to my loved ones. How can I say to my sister that looks on me for a role model that I am battling with desperation, fear, loss of faith, loss of incentive to keep fighting. How can I tell her that sometimes, I just get so tired of fighting that I am afraid I will just give up and get lost in depression?
No, I have to keep a face, be strong, be brave, be true, be more than this mortal flesh, be someone that leaves the world a better place, someone that filled a lifetime with love and caresses.
I wish to be a person radiating warmth, safety, faith, inner beauty. My body might be cut and sewed back, my external beauty gone, but I can still offer so much to my loved ones.
This is my war, and I intend to fight with teeth and nails.