Tomorrow I am due to chemo once again. This is number 11. One more and we are done. For now.
Today, I am wondering why I keep this blog. Why have I even started it? Just to keep the fantasy of connecting with people through it? Not even my sisters know about it, not even my fiance'. I have told no one but I am sure that at some point they will find out. Nothing stays hidden under the sun.
I am moody today. As the end of the chemo approaches and the new exams and CTs get closer, I start to freak out again. But no, this time I will give it no room to grow on me. I am broken enough as it is.
I am so sad. I wish I could just lean on my love, just lay close to him and breath. But he is so far away.
And everyone gets so upset when I am sad.
Last week, I checked funeral details. I consider signing a form of non resuscitation. And other morbid stuff, as my fiancé would say....
If my mother finds out, she will have a seizure. I wish I could just explain that sometimes I need to be in peace with my death, whether it occurs in three decades or at this very moment. Being at peace with your destiny doesn't mean you stop fighting. But I can not pretend I am not scared or concerned.
Oh, fuck it, I am so confused. :( Humans are not supposed to live like this.
Today, I am wondering why I keep this blog. Why have I even started it? Just to keep the fantasy of connecting with people through it? Not even my sisters know about it, not even my fiance'. I have told no one but I am sure that at some point they will find out. Nothing stays hidden under the sun.
I am moody today. As the end of the chemo approaches and the new exams and CTs get closer, I start to freak out again. But no, this time I will give it no room to grow on me. I am broken enough as it is.
I am so sad. I wish I could just lean on my love, just lay close to him and breath. But he is so far away.
And everyone gets so upset when I am sad.
If my mother finds out, she will have a seizure. I wish I could just explain that sometimes I need to be in peace with my death, whether it occurs in three decades or at this very moment. Being at peace with your destiny doesn't mean you stop fighting. But I can not pretend I am not scared or concerned.
Oh, fuck it, I am so confused. :( Humans are not supposed to live like this.
